The ‘Shoulds’ that Keep us Stuck

The "Should" Shame Spiral Is Exhausting

Here’s the thing about should: it’s a sneaky wench.

It shows up when I’m already feeling low, and it loves to hit me [repeatedly] where it hurts.

Take productivity, for example. There’s this internal story that if I’m not crushing my to-do list by sunrise, I’m a failure. Why bother even? And honestly? As a woman of color [that’s also neurodivergent] navigating spaces that weren’t designed for me [no shade, it what it is, until it isn’t], the pressure to prove myself is constant.

There’s this endless, widely accepted yet subtle expectation to overachieve just to be seen, let alone respected.

And when I don’t hit every mark? The shame spiral kicks in.

I’m often thinking, Girl, what’s wrong with you? Everyone else is figuring it out. What’s taking you so long?

But spoiler alert: they’re not. Oop!

Should, the Trap

Okay, so is it becoming a little more clear that should can rob the best of us of joy, creativity, and even rest? Should is like an invisible leash, pulling our life force toward standards we never even agreed to!

Instead of I should be more productive, try this:

• What’s actually possible for me today?

• What’s one thing I can do that feels good yet, forwarding?

• Who said I have to do this, anyway? If I chose to pivot, which direction feels right?

• I want to be more productive, maybe I’ll work on this …

The shift from should to choice is wild. It’s also what I call freedom; but tomAto to mat TOE.

This verbiage change, takes the pressure off and puts the power back in my hands.

I am [consciously] in the driver’s seat of my life.

What I'm Learning about Should

I don’t have it all figured out, but here are three things that are helping me shift the narrative:

• Interrogate the Shoulds.

Every time I hear myself say I should, [or YOU should 😬I pause and ask, Says who? Nine times out of ten, it’s not even my voice—it’s society, family, or that random influencer who seems way too happy on Instagram.

• Celebrate the Small Stuff.

Listen, if I get out of bed + oil pull, that’s a small win for me! If I do one thing—just one—that gets me closer to my desired state, I am lit. I [am in the process of] refusing to let shame tell me otherwise.

• Choose Curiosity Over Criticism.

Instead of beating myself up, I find myself asking: What’s actually going on with me right now? What do I need? That simple shift from judgment to curiosity has saved me so many tears. * Sometimes, what I need most, is giving myself permission to pause, nap, read outside, go for a walk.

Let me Spill Some Tea

You're already enough. And, breathe.

The biggest lie should evokes is that I’m not enough as I am. But, a reminder: the world needs the real me.

The version that’s messy, tired, unsure, and still showing up. In a world of fraudulence, sheisters, and deep fakes → it’s top tier relief when authenticity and realness take up more space.

So, here’s my challenge: the next time the shoulds start screaming in that ear, talk back!

We’re not here to be perfect—we’re here to be human and experience.

And that? That’s more than enough.

What’s one should you’re ready to kick to the curb? Drop it in the comments!