What if you're not afraid of success?

I had one of those moments recently where a seemingly innocuous piece of information stopped me in my tracks.

I was reading about the fear of success. The premise was familiar: sometimes we subconsciously sabotage our own success because, somewhere along the way, our brains learned that achievement comes with a cost.

Maybe success made us different from the people around us. Maybe people became jealous. Maybe expectations increased. Maybe attention became uncomfortable. Maybe love or belonging felt conditional.

The research on social factors is compelling. Across studies, greater parental support, family support, and school connectedness have been associated with lower fear of success, while social isolation is associated with greater fear. In other words, our relationships can influence whether achievement feels safe or threatening.

And I thought: Yes.

And then almost immediately: Wait. Is that actually the whole story for women with ADHD?

Because I think there is another possibility. And I’ve lived it.

Women with ADHD often grow up receiving confusing messages.

You’re so smart.

You have so much potential.

Why can’t you just…

Why can’t you remember?

Why can’t you organize yourself?

Why can’t you be on time?

Why can’t you finish what you start?

Why can you do it sometimes but not consistently?

Why are you capable of something so impressive one day and completely overwhelmed by something seemingly simple the next?

For many women, ADHD isn’t recognized as ADHD during childhood. Instead, the difficulties get interpreted as character flaws.

• Lazy.

• Careless.

• Inconsistent.

• Too sensitive.

• Unmotivated.

• Messy.

• Not living up to your potential.

A systematic review of research on adult women with ADHD found recurring themes of shame, self-blame, rejection, negative self-image, comparison with others, difficulty in relationships, and a painful discrepancy between potential and achievement. (PubMed Central (PMC)⁠)

And this matters when we’re talking about success. Because imagine learning, from a very young age, that being good enough is something you have to prove.

• So you compensate!

• You work harder.

• You overprepare.

• You become the responsible one.

• You become the perfectionist.

• You become incredibly self-aware.

• You learn how to mask.

And sometimes? You become wildly successful. Not necessarily because success feels inherently safe. But because success can become a strategy for safety.

This is where I think the traditional conversation about fear of success gets complicated for ADHD women.

There is one pathway that looks like this:

I succeed → I stand out → people react negatively → I lose connection.

So the nervous system learns:

Success = danger.

But there may be another pathway:

I struggle → people are disappointed → I work harder → I succeed → people approve → I am safe.

Now the nervous system learns:

Success = protection.

At least initially. Achievement can become a way you prove that you’re not lazy. Or stupid. Or unreliable. Or disappointing. Or too much. Or failing.

So you may not necessarily fear success. You need success.

Because success is evidence that you are okay. And long term - that's not what we're aiming for.

What happens when the thing that once protected you becomes the thing that exhausts you?

Because if achievement is how you learned to earn safety, then every success can quietly raise the bar.

You get the promotion.

Now you have to prove you deserve it.

You launch the business.

Now you have to make it work.

You lose the weight.

Now you have to maintain it.

You finish the degree.

Now you’re expected to build the career.

You become the reliable friend.

Now everyone expects you to always be reliable.

You demonstrate that you can do something.

Now everyone assumes you will.

And for someone whose executive functioning can be beautifully capable and wildly variable, that can become a particularly cruel trap!!! Amirite? Because the world sees the successful version of you and assumes she is your baseline. Meanwhile, you know how much energy it took to produce her.

Research on adults with ADHD has repeatedly documented this tension around expectations, perfectionism, underachievement, shame, and difficulty sustaining the standards people set for themselves.

So eventually, you can arrive at a bizarre place:

Failure feels unsafe.

Success feels unsustainable.

And now, you’re certainly stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I’m recognizing all this in myself. I can think of four or five major landmarks in my life where, looking back now, I can see moments when I subconsciously pulled away from something I wanted. Not because I didn’t want it. Not because I wasn’t capable. Not because I didn’t have the opportunity.

But because something about actually having it felt threatening. At the time, I had perfectly reasonable explanations like: I wasn’t ready, timing wasn’t right, I needed to figure some things out first, I wasn’t sure I wanted it anymore, maybe there was another path, maybe I should wait, maybe I needed to pivot, maybe I needed to burn the whole thing down and start over!!!

And maybe some of those decisions were absolutely the right decisions. But as I look back now - what if part of me was afraid of what would happen if I actually succeeded? What if success meant visibility? Or God forbid - more responsibility? More expectations? Less room to hide? Less permission to struggle?

What if success meant people would expect me to keep being the version of myself who achieved it?

And perhaps most uncomfortable of all:

What if I actually had to become the person I kept saying I wanted to become?

I don’t think we should be so quick to call it self-sabotage, though. Because the word makes it sound like some irrational part of you is sitting in the basement plotting your downfall.

Excellent. She’s about to succeed. Shut it down.

But our patterns usually make sense when we understand what they’re protecting. A behavior that looks like procrastination might be protecting you from evaluation. A sudden loss of interest might be protecting you from expectations. Perfectionism might be protecting you from criticism. Overworking might be protecting you from shame. Quitting right before the finish line might be protecting you from having to maintain a new identity.

And sometimes, starting over can be easier than staying. Because starting over gives you possibility. Success gives you reality. And reality does tend to come with responsibility.

This is where I am right now - once you recognize a pattern, you can’t quite unknow it. I can look backward at those four or five landmarks and ask different questions now.

Not:

Why did I do that?

But:

What was I protecting myself from?

What did I believe would happen if I succeeded?

Who would I have to become?

What would people expect from me?

Would I still belong?

Would I still be allowed to struggle?

Would I still be allowed to be human?

And perhaps the biggest question:

Did I actually want to fail, or did some part of me believe that success came with a price I wasn’t willing to pay?

This is also where I keep thinking about Maslow. LOL

Maslow’s theory is often reduced to the little pyramid we all saw in psychology class, but his original work was more nuanced than the pyramid suggests. He wrote about human needs including physiological needs, safety, love and belonging, esteem, and eventually self-actualization. And his description of self-actualization was essentially the drive to become what we are capable of becoming. (Psych Classics⁠)

That idea hits differently when you think about women who have spent years trying to earn their place in the world. Because maybe there comes a point when survival strategies stop being enough.

Maybe eventually we get to ask:

Who am I when I don’t need achievement to prove that I’m worthy?

Who am I when being impressive isn’t the goal?

Who am I when I don’t have to be exceptional to deserve rest?

Who am I when I can be inconsistent without deciding that I’m a failure?

Who am I when success doesn’t mean taking on more and more?

Who am I when I can actually receive what I’ve worked so hard to create?

That, to me, feels much closer to self-actualization. Not becoming the most productive version of yourself. Not maximizing your potential until you collapse. Not turning yourself into a perfectly optimized human. But becoming more fully you.

Maybe the work is learning how to feel safe after you succeed. That’s a different skill. Because a lot of high-achieving ADHD women don’t need another productivity system.

They get to learn that they don’t have to earn belonging through performance.

They get to learn that success doesn’t obligate them to abandon themselves.

They get to learn that consistency isn’t the price of admission to worthiness.

They get to learn that being capable doesn’t mean being endlessly available.

And perhaps most importantly: They get to learn that they can succeed without becoming someone they don’t want to be.